Well, it's Valentine's Day.. and even as a happily married woman of 8 years, it kinda makes my stomach turn for a couple of reasons. One is because I can remember being single in a Christian university where couples got married and engaged everyday it seemed like and the day just brought feelings of inadequacy and self pity.
Also, as any other cultural holiday, I always have those fears of "Did I buy the right gift? Did I say the right words? Is he going to do more than me and then think I love him less?"'
But, this morning, first thing, something happened....
My husband and I are apart on this day of romance because he's staying at the residential care facility with the boys for our last full day of employment while the kiddos and I stay with my parents. This morning, I heard my baby girl stirring and realized it was kind of late (she and I had a rough night :)). I walked into my son's room across the hall and he was awake in his bed "reading". I brought him back to my room and the 3 of us snuggled on the bed, laughing and giggling, soon joined by our stinky family dog, Zeke. This, in turn, turned up the volume on the giggle-o-meter. :) Pretty soon, one clear thought crossed my mind, "God loves me soo much!"
While it may sound a little indulgent, it's not something I've always thought; and while my feelings for Him can be so many times based on selfishness and circumstances, His love for me has never changed. He's proved through all the blessings He's placed in my life despite me. What I deserve is not what I've recieved, and that's a good thing because if I were Him, I would've disposed of me years ago.
The last two weeks have been pretty crazy when it comes to my faith and my God's mysterious ways.. My husband has stated it as living somewhere between the famine and the feast. I would wholeheartedly agree.
One sweet woman of God that we worked with was healed of a paralyzing tumor. The doctors opened her up to operate and it was literally GONE! Then, a teenager at the church in West Virginia (where we will be moving soon) was healed of a cancerous tumor on his optic nerve. Again, it was just gone. Finally, an 18 year old girl and member of our youth group in Ohio gave birth to her daughter. The baby lived healthily in her loving mother for 9 months, and then went home to be with Jesus. No explanation. She was just... gone.
All three of these people are sinful, messed up human beings in need of grace. All three of these people claimed Christ as their savior. What in the world!!??
I think it's clear that in all three of these situations, pain had to be endured in one form or another and at some point. So many times, with the best intentions,we say things like "God has a plan," and "There's a reason for everything". However, in the moment, that sometimes looks to be the farthest from the truth. Because it's MY pain and it hurts soo much, the natural, understandable thought is.. "HOW can THIS be God's plan?"
I think back to our struggle to concieve, my pregnancy loss, and the solid 2 year psychological hell that followed.. believing every single day that death was imminent and then sometimes praying that it would just come so that I would be free. So many times I thought, "Really... this is what You have for me?? This was Your 'plan'? To cripple me, to isolate me, to make me feel alone and hopeless??" I remember feeling bitter and angry and then feeling guilty for feeling that way and the cycle continued, on and on.
I didn't get a miracle healing. Heck, I'm still healing and it's been 4 years since the onset. About a month ago, though, for me, something came full circle.....
I was sitting at my in-laws and we were discussing pregnancy loss as it's touched so many people in our lives. My husband said to his mother, "We know our loss and struggle had a purpose, because without it, we probably would have never had Cohen." Whoa... I guess the thought had crossed my mind but I'd never really sat and chewed on it. I began to do so, and to take it a step further, I thought about how my relationship with both of my kids would have been totally different as well.
My first thought....
HE LOVES ME!!!
Sometimes His love is seen immediately and sometimes it takes us years to catch on. Sometimes, it has to take awhile in order to accomplish His purpose in our lives. Sometimes, healings happen to bring us to him. Sometimes, tragedies happen to bring us to him.. but it's ALL because ...
HE LOVES US!!
That's the only constant theme I can find.
So, if you're going through something today that seems unbearable, take comfort that you will heal. Like our 18-year-old sweetheart, it may take weeks, months, probably years... but it will happen. In the meantime.. seek Him and say whatever you need to say. Know that he hears it, because...
HE LOVES YOU!!
Happy V day and let me leave you with this story song that's been playing in my head and heart all morning....
How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.
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