Mommy Lioness

Yesterday, our family of four went to a fast food restaurant just down the road for lunch.

We decided after we ate that we would let our boy play in the play place adjacent to the restaurant since socializing with kids his own age is a rarity for him....

See, Cohen's life has been pretty interesting and ironic up until now....

 He just turned 3 and has never really had steady friends. As many of you know, we've moved around quite a bit (Hopefully, this next move in a couple weeks will be our last for A LONG TIME!). It was difficult for us to really connect with couples our age during our time as houseparents, and the sporadic times we have lived with my parents, they live out in the country with no "neighbor" children.  He's been attending his class at church on Sundays semi-regularly, although we've kinda been hit and miss since the birth of his sister. He stays with us all the time throughout the week.

With all that seemingly against him, Cohen surprises us everyday with his remarkably social interactions. He has no problem treating adults and children whom he's just met like old friends. He's an encourager and just an all around sweet kid. Other than having to explain to him on a few separate occasions that it's really not funny to knock down someone else's Lego creation, he does a fabulous job with people of all ages.

... Well... back to the play place...

Ryan was sitting in the restaurant with Ella while I went into the play place to watch Cohen. I kept a careful eye on him because he was the next to smallest kid in there and definitely one of the youngest. I watched how he talked and interacted with all the children. My heart swelled as a proud mommy's does watching him be his charming, adorable self.

Then, from out of nowhere, I heard it.

I heard a little obnoxious voice say to MY SON....... "You have a really big head."

TIME OUT! Now, let me say this. We have lovingly and sweetly made fun of that child's head since the day he was born. It is quite big, and there is validity to the statement. It was, in fact, a correct observation.

However, for some strange reason, I did not like it that this BRAT (my thought at the time), this stranger, was the first one to ever make that statement directly to him .... my blood was boiling.

Literally, I had a flash vision of a lioness springing in to action to protect her cub. Every natural, animal instinct that lived deep inside of my being bubbled to the surface. Fortunately, I was able to quickly remind myself that I was a human being and resumed my careful watch.

Then, something happened.....

My son reminded me of Jesus.

Now, I don't believe for a second that Cohen comprehended the comment, which means it didn't bother him for a second.  As best I could tell from where I was standing, Cohen silently ignored the comment and stayed right where he was. Eventually, the little boy (slowly losing his "brat' title) said to Cohen, "We're playing super heroes!!" Cohen said with a shrug, "I'm not a super hero. I'm just Cohen."

Quickly yet politely, Cohen ran off, finding another couple of new friends to spend his precious play time moments with and then proceeded a few moments later, without fail, to give his emotionally exhausted mommy quite a fit when told it was time to go.

Now, I would be lying if I said that the comment no longer bothered me afterwards. After all, it was the first time that I had felt that deep-seeded pain for my child, and the thought that it was only going to get worse as he got older and was exposed to more children gave me a little anxiety for the rest of the day.

My dad and I spent a few moments watching a scene from Steve Martin's movie, "Roxanne" where he comes up with 20 "better" jokes to tell about his own big nose. My husband and I figured of those 20, there were a few that could apply to Cohen's head, and 1 or 2 of those were clean enough for him to repeat. :)

My husband was encouraging by stating that Cohen could simply use the old "big heads equal exceptional intelligence" line and by reminding me that when he's in high school and is over 6 feet, it wouldn't be an issue anymore.

However, all that, though helpful, is kinda beside the point. For whatever reason, although my husband and I were both painfully shy as kids and pretty easy targets for bullying, God has given Cohen these amazing gifts of boldness, encouragement, and joy, and it is our job as parents to praise and nurture that as much as we possibly can.

.... I think he's going to be okay. :)

My little lion cubs..

"Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” --- Jesus

Mark 10:15

The Atrocity of Greed - A Message Especially for our Youth

Most of my posts are a result of many different thoughts connecting in my head and heart.

Unfortunately, I sometimes fail to realize that other people see no connection at all. :)

So, just a disclaimer... this post is no different....

Today (2/26 - the day I started working on this post) is my firstborn's THIRD birthday, and for the life of me, I can't figure out where these three years have gone!!

We had a hard time conceiving Cohen, so his first birthday was HUGE!
Then, the next year, we were overwhelmed with our work at the boys' home and came to the realization that those residents were most definitely Cohen's closest confidants. So, we decided that as long as there was cake and a couple of presents, our 2 year old would have a great time! Chances were, he wouldn't hold it over our heads years down the road.


This year, since we once again find ourselves in a season of transition, we're doing just about the same thing. In a couple days, we are simply having a small family get-together with a "Cars 2" theme and cake. He's recieving presents from parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents, and that's it.
While this may seem modest and maybe even borderline "sad" to some well-meaning Americans, I found myself sitting in my bedroom with his presents in front of me the other day, thinking, "He doesn't NEED any of this!"


I will say that his father and I (all 4 of his grandparents as well) do a pretty darn good job of buying him things that will help him developmentally. We don't like to buy junk. Every once in awhile, we'll throw in something cutsie and cheap (like a Mickey Mouse fishing game :)). But for the most part, his presents are books, clothes, and items that help him explore his imagination.  Even still, compared to 90% of the world or more, he is absolutely, 100% spoiled ROTTEN!


Many times, as I go to grab one of my youngest, Ella's meals, I think 2 things:


1.) I really need to start making her baby food, because this is EXPENSIVE!!
2.) We are so blessed to live in a country where I can go to the grocery store and get Ella all the vitamins she needs in these little containers of food. So many mothers in other areas of the world struggle every day to make sure their 7 month old babies get all the nutrition they need each day, and it's a mindless chore for me.


These thoughts that cross my mind from time to time cause me to consider how we've simply lost perspective as Americans.


Now, I could make some very controversial points about how I don't buy into the idea that we ever were or are "a Christian nation", but I don't want to really want to get that argument started today. It's not a deal-breaker and it's not where I'm really going with this post.
I will say the following about this nation, however.....


We were founded on Christ-like morals and principles.

In God's sovereignty, despite the lives that have been, are, and continue to be lost, He has allowed the United States to become a powerhouse for the world.


We are tremendously fortunate in this country to practice ANY religion freely, especially Christianity, since it is forbidden in so many countries.

Our nation, and those from it, have done many good deeds for this world on a small and large scale.

Due to the security of our government and the preservation of our constitution, genocide, war, famine, etc. need not be on the forefront of our minds as citizens of this country.

However, we do suffer from one great atrocity......

GREED.

I've heard it said before that if the United States gave up something as simple as the producing and selling of ice cream for a year or just one year of Black Friday sales, the whole world would have clean water.

Sports stars make millions of dollars a year.

Politicians spend millions of dollars to beef up their campaigns.

People with, in my opinion, little to no talent, make ridiculous amounts of money just living their life in front of the camera and calling it a "reality show".

Our youth are being taught that money, fame, and this world's idea of success far outweigh humility and compassion.

Jesus is pretty hardcore when it comes to this greed/wealth issue:


“No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." Matthew 6:24

"Soldiers also asked him, 'And we, what shall we do?' And he said to them,  'Do not extort money from anyone by threats or by false accusation, and be content with your wages.' Luke 3:14

"Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys." Luke 12:33

"For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” Luke 18:25

I could go on and on... but let's just say that Jesus does not shy away from this discussion at all.


Even when we look in the Old Testament, there are several references to what the love of riches will bring....


While many think God punished Sodom for it's homosexual practices, Ezekiel 16:49 tells a different story:


"Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy".


Soo.... application???

It would be easy to throw our hands up and succumb to the comfort of this country. We could very easily come to the conclusion that what Jesus was asking is WAY TOO MUCH and that he couldn't expect us to live like that in 2012.


On the flip side, we could take the Bible and Jesus' words to the extreme, sell everything we own, and live amongst the homeless.


Now, don't hear me wrong. I definitely think Jesus clearly calls certain people to give up everything and go to the ends of the earth in His name. I also think that there are those to whom He gives much wealth in order to support those who are called out and to bless others richly in any number of ways.
I think he calls most of us, though, to live in the struggle....


When your spirit wrestles with AIDS in Africa, buying that new flat screen, starving children in South America, upgrading your iphone, and whether you would really give up EVERYTHING if He called you to do so, you know that you are living in the struggle and I really, really think that's where he wants us.


See, the more ( or less at times ) I look at Scripture, the more I realize that Christ rarely spoke in black and white, concrete statements. His desire was 1.) That we may know Him, and 2.) That we may open our eyes to the pain in this world and find the individual call He's placed on each of our lives to do something about it. He didn't come to give us rules and laws; He came to teach about His love and the best ways we can use the talents He gave us to express that.


Friends, we need to realize how rich we are. In this country, we need not look past our own lives for wealth. If you eat 3 meals a day, have clothes to put on your back, and any kind of roof over your head, you are extremely wealthy.  When we turn on the television and are bombarded by what the "elite" (i.e.: ridiculously stupid rich) are doing or what they possess, we lose sight completely of what's really important.


I'm sure Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson, as well as Mother Theresa, would tell us (if they could) that riches and fame don't matter when you're gone. They don't do anything for you when this life is over.

If you want to make a difference in this world so that others will know your name (although Colossians 3:17 speaks against this), at least do something for eternity; feed the homeless, house a single mother, help heal the sick who can't afford medical care. Be a Mother Theresa, not a Donald Trump.

Kick making money and fame out of your intentions and just MATTER; HAVE PURPOSE.  You may or may not find yourself financially rich, but your spiritual wealth will exceed any expectations and will bring you so much joy.

We live in a greedy America. I challenge all of us to ask ourselves, "What's one thing I can do to fix  my greed and to be grateful today?"

A New Thought on the Golden Rule

"And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them." (Luke 6:31, ESV)


"The Golden Rule" has been posted and quoted everywhere across the United States. I've seen it in Sunday School and public school classrooms.  As a parent of a 3 year old with a baby sister, I feel that I use the concept constantly, stating frequently that, "You wouldn't like that if Ella did it to you."
Funny though, the passage does not say, "And as you wish that others would not do to you, don't do to them,"
In other words, we are asked to walk in someone else's shoes and ask ourselves, "If I were in this person's circumstances, what action would most genuinely speak Christ's love to me?"


To go even further, let's put this verse in context:


²⁷ “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, ²⁸ bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. ²⁹ To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. ³⁰ Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. ³¹ And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
³² “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. ³³ And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. ³⁴ And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. ³⁵ But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. ³⁶ Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.
So, we're not talking about putting yourself in the shoes of your beloved children, loving parents, or romantic partner.  We're talking about loving, serving, doing kind deeds to someone with whom you have a difficult time identifying or being empathetic.


Empathy...


I've always felt that it was an interesting and quite beautiful characteristic. It's very developmental and those in the mental health field agree that it generally becomes easily comprehensible around the age of 8.  ( In other words, when I try to have my 3 year old put himself in his sister's shoes, it's really only training for something that will take him another five years to fully feel and understand. Right now, the world is spinning, and Cohen is smack in the middle of it! :))


The scary part is that there are some people who never, ever get it. Their brains never really step over that threshold from being completely self-absorbed to realizing that there are other people who have feelings of hurt, pain, happiness, and so on. These people are many times diagnosed with things such as psycopathy, sociopathy, personality disorder, and so on.


While the thought that an individual can have no comprehension or concern for another's well-being is frightening and sad to me, there is another more tragic truth.....


The majority of us (most definitely including myself) that have the ability to feel empathy so often CHOOSE not to take the time to do so.  While it comes quite easy for me to exhaust all my energy in loving on the poor, standing by my man, soothing my children, and being compassionate toward the brokenhearted, I cannot for the life of me muster up the courage to dive into the heart of someone who has wounded me deeply.


I find my thoughts dipping into statements like " Just because they've been through _____________, ___________, and ________________, that doesn't give them the right to treat me this way. I've been through ___________________ to, ya know."


The truth is, that for most us ( minus the psychopathic crazies, I guess :)), there is a reason behind everything that we do, and it rarely has to do with the person who recieves our actions as their hurt. It much more has to do with the fact that our 'stuff' is being vomitted out into those around us (the good and the bad) and the intentions are usually totally different than what is perceived.


So, now, here comes the question...


What is the DO in Luke 6:31?  What do I DO for someone who seemingly treats me like the used gum on the bottom of their shoe??


 Well, I know that altering bible verses is generally frowned upon by Christ followers, but since I feel like Jesus brought this to me, I'll take my chances....


What if Luke 6:31 said, "And as you wish that others would THINK of you, so THINK of them."


What if, in prayer, we tried our hardest to feel and understand what our 'enemy' was going through? What if we looked at their life and their circumstances and prayed for compassion and understanding for their hurts?  Could we then smile at them when they made a snide comment or threw us the finger? Could we lovingly confront them and let them know of our concern and care for their well-being? Could we actually come to the conclusion that their deplorable actions have nothing to do with ME??


Now, I know where some of you are going and I'm right there with you...


"Okay, I've given my extra tunic, I've walked the extra mile, I've turned the only cheek I have left, and they still spit in my face!  What in the WORLD do you expect me to do??"


I'm ashamed to say, I've been on BOTH sides of this scenario. This is why we are SO BLESSED to have a God who has an answer for every situation. (Sometimes, we just have to dig a little ;).)


Matthew 10:14: And if anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. (Note: I know this verse has often been taken out of context and refers to spreading the gospel, but I believe that the gospel is whispered every time we seek reconciliation in His name.)


Romans 12:18: If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.


I think these two verses send a very clear message: Don't keep beating a dead horse! Walk away!!! If YOU know that your efforts have been God honoring and extensive, don't let them bring toxicity to your life and don't continue to do the same favor for them.  Agree to disagree for the sake your own relationship with Christ (not to mention your sanity). Flee if you need to, BUT if you can't, pray for a mental and emotional separation that will help you to stay away from being the 'victim' and claiming confidence in who You know you are in Him, whether they agree with it or not. This, in turn, will help you to continue loving them from a distance without needing any reciprocity.


Sounds easy... but it's daily and it takes discipline, and I'll willingly crown myself as the Queen of Failures in this area, but it CAN be done. There are two ways I know this:


1.) Christ DIED for the most evil of men.


2.) Some of my own personal Christ-honoring heroes have proved it.


I hope you were blessed by these thoughts. It only took me 3 days!!! :)


May the Lord bless you and keep you today!!!

His Constant Love- The One Perfect Valentine

Well, it's Valentine's Day.. and even as a happily married woman of 8 years, it kinda makes my stomach turn for a couple of reasons. One is because I can remember being single in a Christian university where couples got married and engaged everyday it seemed like and the day just brought feelings of inadequacy and self pity.

Also, as any other cultural holiday, I always have those fears of "Did I buy the right gift? Did I say the right words? Is he going to do more than me and then think I love him less?"'

But, this morning, first thing, something happened....

My husband and I are apart on this day of romance because he's staying at the residential care facility with the boys for our last full day of employment while the kiddos and I stay with my parents. This morning, I heard my baby girl stirring and realized it was kind of late (she and I had a rough night :)). I walked into my son's room across the hall and he was awake in his bed "reading".  I brought him back to my room and the 3 of us snuggled on the bed, laughing and giggling, soon joined by our stinky family dog, Zeke. This, in turn, turned up the volume on the giggle-o-meter. :) Pretty soon, one clear thought crossed my mind, "God loves me soo much!"

While it may sound a little indulgent, it's not something I've always thought; and while my feelings for Him can be so many times based on selfishness and circumstances, His love for me has never changed. He's proved through all the blessings He's placed in my life despite me. What I deserve is not what I've recieved, and that's a good thing because if I were Him, I would've disposed of me years ago.

The last two weeks have been pretty crazy when it comes to my faith and my God's mysterious ways.. My husband has stated it as living somewhere between the famine and the feast. I would wholeheartedly agree. 

One sweet woman of God that we worked with was healed of a paralyzing tumor. The doctors opened her up to operate and it was literally GONE! Then, a teenager at the church in West Virginia (where we will be moving soon) was healed of a cancerous tumor on his optic nerve. Again, it was just gone.  Finally, an 18 year old girl and member of our youth group in Ohio gave birth to her daughter. The baby lived healthily in her loving mother for 9 months, and then went home to be with Jesus. No explanation. She was just... gone.

All three of these people are sinful, messed up human beings in need of grace. All three of these people claimed Christ as their savior. What in the world!!??
I think it's clear that in all three of these situations, pain had to be endured in one form or another and at some point. So many times, with the best intentions,we say things like "God has a plan," and "There's a reason for everything".  However, in the moment, that sometimes looks to be the farthest from the truth. Because it's MY pain and it hurts soo much, the natural, understandable thought is.. "HOW can THIS be God's plan?"

I think back to our struggle to concieve, my pregnancy loss, and the solid 2 year psychological hell that followed.. believing every single day that death was imminent and then sometimes praying that it would just come so that I would be free. So many times I thought, "Really... this is what You have for me?? This was Your 'plan'? To cripple me, to isolate me, to make me feel alone and hopeless??" I remember feeling bitter and angry and then feeling guilty for feeling that way and the cycle continued, on and on.

I didn't get a miracle healing. Heck, I'm still healing and it's been 4 years since the onset. About a month ago, though, for me, something came full circle.....

I was sitting at my in-laws and we were discussing pregnancy loss as it's touched so many people in our lives. My husband said to his mother, "We know our loss and struggle had a purpose, because without it, we probably would have never had Cohen." Whoa... I guess the thought had crossed my mind but I'd never really sat and chewed on it.  I began to do so, and to take it a step further, I thought about how my relationship with both of my kids would have been totally different as well.

My first thought....

HE LOVES ME!!!

Sometimes His love is seen immediately and sometimes it takes us years to catch on. Sometimes, it has to take awhile in order to accomplish His purpose in our lives.  Sometimes, healings happen to bring us to him. Sometimes, tragedies happen to bring us to him.. but it's ALL because ...

HE LOVES US!!

That's the only constant theme I can find.

So, if you're going through something today that seems unbearable, take comfort that you will heal. Like our 18-year-old sweetheart, it may take weeks, months, probably years... but it will happen. In the meantime.. seek Him and say whatever you need to say. Know that he hears it, because...

HE LOVES YOU!!

Happy V day and let me leave you with this story song that's been playing in my head and heart all morning....


How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

What to Say?

Well, this is my "introductory" writing, so I feel like I should talk about where I'm at in my life.
First of all, I turned 30 yesterday and I'm making a choice to embrace it.
While many amazing things have happened in my 20's ( married an incredible man, had two beautiful children, etc.), I also learned many hard lessons and dealt with a huge amount of stress and anxiety. Over the past 10 years, we've moved 4 times, I've had several different jobs (mostly in my field, thankfully), we've had financial struggles, I suffered a miscarriage, and spent around 3 years battling severe OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder due to this traumatic event. (This is something I still struggle with today if life gets too quiet or I am bored for too long.)
Right now, we are again in a period of great transition. We are leaving our job as houseparents in a residential care facility close to my hometown to SETTLE (yay!) 4 hours away in a small West Virginia town where my husband will step into youth ministry.
(Now.. at this point... I could and want to go a million different directions, but I'll try to stay on point as this blog entry is supposed to be an "introduction". :) )

The reason for my signature, StrivingforProverbs31? Well here's the passage:

The Woman Who Fears the LORD

^{10 [d]} An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
¹¹ The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
¹² She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
¹⁴ She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
¹⁵ She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She dresses herself^[e] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
¹⁸ She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
²⁰ She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
²¹ She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.^[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
²⁵ Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
²⁶ She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
²⁷ She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
³¹ Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Here's the deal. I have a master's degree in Education. I love teaching and I can proudly and confidently say that everywhere I've worked over these last 10 years, I have felt respected and appreciated. However, for some reason, I have struggled with this being part of my journey right now.
Then, over the last 3 years, through the birth of my two beautiful babies and houseparenting, I have heard God's whisper very clearly... I've anointed  you to be ... a mommy and a wife... and that's ENOUGH.
Now let me be perfectly clear. There are some mothers who feel 100% called into the "working world"and there are other mothers who have to work for financial reasons. For some moms, they feel that working outside the home makes them better mothers and I honestly get that. However, my issue is that somehow, somewhere a long the way, I got the impression that as a 21st century, college-educated woman, that's what I HAD to do... work, mother, volunteer.. be SUPERWOMAN.
 I wouldn't trade my education for a second. For one thing, my children aren't going to be young forever, and at some point, I may want to work again. Secondly, I use my college education EVERY DAY and it flows out of me like a second nature. By the age of 26 months, my son could count and identify every number up to 20 and right now, 2 weeks short of age 3, he's beginning to read, both through sight and letter sounds.(As I tell one of my residents, he's a genius... but I may be a little biased. ;))
Right now, God has called me to my children. For whatever reason, aside from my husband, He has called me very clearly to make them my first ministry. I am so, so excited about this because through the tragedy and pain of miscarriage, I find great joy in my children, even in their most ornary moments. :)
I LOVED the relationships I developed with my boys in houseparenting. They are "our boys" and we hope that they will always be a part of our lives. I think the job brought a lot of healing for me mentally as I was able to take the focus off of myself and pour my life into theirs. It was definitely part of God's plan for our journey. BUT it was HARD.  I didn't have time for friendships or to flourish in a church body that I felt connected to, I somehow forgot to make my faith and relationship with Jesus a priority, it definitely put a strain on our marriage at times, and we were just a little young still, in my opinion, to be bringing down the hammer on a bunch of teenage guys only 12 years our juniors. (We take such joy still in youth MINISTRY.. the discipline aspect is still so hard for us when it comes to teens.)
I am so looking forward in the next few weeks to being in a place where I can start a routine, make daily time for my Jesus, connect with women with whom I can identify, minister to the community and serve in the church, EXERCISE :), COOK  ( scary, I know) :), SCRAPBOOK :)... and the list goes on. So, for me, staying at home isn't about backing out of our culture's "superwoman" image. It's about my journey toward being more like Proverbs 31... strong and educated, but gentle and loving all at the same time; and believe me when I say that I have a LONG way to go. :)

Finally.... Living in Grace?

I've always struggled with my salvation. But Paul talks about it, right?  Walking with Jesus is a joy but a struggle all at the same time and the evil one loves to make us think that our salvation is dependent on what we do or don't do or feel or don't feel.
Over 4 years ago, I reacted to the miscarriage of a 6 week old pregnancy in a very dramatic way. I think it was because I never really knew brokenness or pain. I grew up in a straight laced family and we always went to church. Of course, I suffered heartache from boys in my teens and anxiety is definitely a genetic disorder that runs in our family, so that's always been a struggle... but REAL loss was never really present until I lost my angel. I claimed Jesus as my savior and was baptized young. After the miscarriage and what I can only term as "the mental breakdown", I became very selfish and self absorbed for awhile. In the last 2 years, coming out of the darkness, I have struggled with overwhelming guilt and the idea that maybe I was never really saved. But then there's this:

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling..."

It's a process...

"Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— ³ if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. "

It is a life long journey!

I have tasted the goodness of the Lord and there are yet times that he has allowed me to struggle greatly. There are moments I have responded appropriately and there have been years where I have been bitter and distant. He has humbled me, renewed me, and allowed me on several occassions to give into my own whims and desires ... all because He loves me.

THAT'S LIVING IN GRACE.  I ALWAYS live in grace, but it's not always because I choose to. It's because it's where HE has chosen to place me and I hope to live the rest of my life in a story of gratitude to Him for choosing the most broken, messed up, long-winded girl he could find to be His ambassador. :)

So, that's it. I love to write, and I'm super excited to share my thoughts with those who will read them. I hope this becomes a ministry tool and that God can use me to bring hope to others.

May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today!! :)

Cross references:

1. 1 Peter 2:1 : Eph. 4:22, 25, 31; Col. 3:8
2. 1 Peter 2:2 : See Matt. 18:3
3. 1 Peter 2:2 : 1 Cor. 3:2; Heb. 5:12, 13
4. 1 Peter 2:3 : Ps. 34:8; Heb. 6:5