Peace.
Calm.
Quietness of Spirit.
Relationship.
God's Presence.
As a mom of itty bittys, I find myself wondering at times if these words and phrases will ever become a reality in my life again. Some of this I can just attribute to spending most of my days at home with a 1 year old and a 4 year old. Most of it, however, has to do with my sin nature and struggles.
I am a worrier and easily given over to anxiety.
I am also very task-driven.
God is using my husband and my children, specifically this "stay-at-home"chapter of my life to teach me how to be more like Him. I want to be more peaceful, more calm, more quiet, more relational, and most importantly, to feel God's presence and nearness even in the most hectic of times.
Slowly and steadily He's teaching me how.
I know I'm not alone. There are lots of you moms out there who love yourfamilies with every beat of your heart but are oftentimes bound by that "Martha", task-oriented, anxious heart.
Today, I would like to share how God's been teaching me to break free. I'm no pro at this yet, but I'd love to at least open up some dialouge about it.
So, here are some, hopefully, helpful and encouraging thoughts:
1.) Make a list (easy for task lovers) and switch gears when needed. Lots of times, when I don't make a list and just start my day, the many tasks I feel I need to accomplish get larger and larger and the weight of them turns very unrealistic very quickly. Then, if I get stuck on something, I feel like I'm drowning deeper and deeper into the sea of "too much to do".
On the other hand, if I stop, look at a premade list, and switch gears to something else for awhile, I feel so much more accomplished and centered when I come back to the original task that I knock it out fairly quickly! Oh, and don't forget to always add "snuggle, play a game, and read with the babies" on that list. There are also times a list brings about the realization that only a couple or none of the "to-dos" HAVE to get done today. Every once in awhile, fight against those desires to "get ahead" and just spend the entire day lovin' your family. :)
2.) Make your quiet time with Jesus your first morning priority. Yes, exercise and a quick shower are also helpful in the morning, but there's something about that time with Jesus first thing that reminds you of who's really in control. Besides, you exercise enough chasing your kids and showers are overrated when you're cuddling poop and booger machines all day. :) (I just read this tip to Cohen and he agrees:))
3.) Don't let the evil one cause the "advice" of other women to bring you guilt and despair.
God bless 'em, they mean well, but the fact of the matter is that any good mother who is in the trenches alongside you is going to either give you a hug or just whisper a gentle, "I know, sweetie, I know."
It is those sweet, well-meaning women who either do not have their own children or who are in that "in-between" stage of having teenage/adult kids and no grandkids ( How many times have I heard, "It goes by so fast.. my baby is twenty-_".). Somehow, they only remember the "good things" about having a toddler and love to tell us that we should be enjoying every moment.
Or what kind of foods we should be forcing our kids to eat.
Or what should be in their sippy cup.
Or how to make them sleep better.
Or that sending them outside in short sleeves in 60 degree weather will give them pneumonia.
Or that hugging them too much will cause them to stay babies forever.
Or that not hugging them enough will make them juvenile delinquents.
I can remember being at one of our nephews' ball games when my oldest was barely a year old. It was HOT and my son is a sweatER. I had no other choice but to strip him down to his diaper, pour water over his head, and let him play in the mud puddles. (Totally against my rule followin' nature.) I looked at my mother-in-law and said, "Before I had a child of my own, I would've thought someone who did this to their kid in a public place had mental issues". She just smiled as if she was clearly rejoicing in the fact that God had changed my heart. :)
I can also attest to the fact that selective memory is a real thing. After all, if I remembered the misery of my pregnancy sickness with Cohen, we would've never had El. :)
Those seasoned mothers who tell you to enjoy every moment are filled with their own remorse that they didn't, but you won't either. Why? Because we're human. We're made of sinful flesh and blood. Do you enjoy all of your time with any human being? Your husband? Your parents? Your best friend? No. We're never satisfied. We're not perfect.
Enjoy your kids as much as you can and let Jesus give you grace for the rest.
Having said that,
4.) Be thankful as much as you can. When it's just a conversation between you and God, thank him for the crayon-stains on the wood floor, the pee puddles in the bathroom, and the dirty dishes piled high. Thank him for moldable hearts and minds that will absolutely adore you for such a short time. Thank Him for the good moments and the bad. Thank Him for the very things society tells us we should whine about. This one has been huge in changing my perspective. Gratitude is not easy, especially when your nature is to complain, but it absolutely changes your heart.
5.) Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Talk to someone when you feel the weight bearing down. Jesus is the place to start, but if you can't shake it, if the day's just too rough, maybe He wants to bless someone with the joy of helping you.. Let them. Call your husband, your mom, your dad, your neighbor, your best friend. Your kids' lives will not fall apart if you're asleep or in a bath for a period of time. When I learned to truly believe my husband when he said, "Crystal, I want to make dinner," "I want you to lay down", "I want to take the kids out for ice cream", it changed my life forever. When I truly realized that I wasn't the only one that should be desiring time with my kids and that they could bless others with their presence, their questions, their giggles, and their snuggles, it brought great freedom.
6.) Accept professional counseling and medication when needed. Sometimes, especially for an anxious person, in traumatic or life changing situations, counseling and meds are a great help. At times, they're needed for simple day-to-day survival. God gave doctors wisdom for a reason. Although I know longer counsel or take meds, I've been there and it's still always open for discussion in our home. Prayerfully consider it, especially if you feel like you've tried everything else and there is still a feeling of hopelessness.
Lastly, and most importantly...
7.) Give your kids- and yourself-the Gospel daily. Yes, you need to discipline your kids. Maybe, though, on the days you find yourself handing out timeouts and spankings like they're candy, you need a little timeout as well. :) Be open with your kids. Let them know that you sin right alongside them. YOU make mistakes, YOU fail, YOU say hurtful things all the time. Apologize and talk to them age-appropriately about your own sin and watch the cycle of guilt and anxiety disapper. Make it known, of course, that you are in charge,and are responsible to hand out consequences for their sin. But don't ever let them, or yourself, believe the lie that you do, or should, have it all together. Confessing that you "make bad choices" (as the Fulmers call it :)) only shines more light on the saving grace of Jesus. It takes the weight of "saving" your children off your shoulders, and places it on His... where it should've been all along.
I hope these thoughts have helped you as much as they have me. God has used many different resources and people in my life to help me with my struggle and I felt compelled to share His grace in my life.
One day, I'll be a completely calm, peaceful, relational mommy... or maybe.... grandmommy. ;) Until then, I'll keep leaning on Jesus and trust that He is sovereign and His timing is perfect. May you do the same.
