Finding Peace with A Formula Feeding Past

I know what you're thinking... not one of THESE posts! Hopefully, though, it will be more of a comfort to you than anything... we shall see. :)

Before we start I want to make two things perfectly clear.

1. I am uber impressed, blessed, in awe, and (if I'm totally honest), completely jealous of mothers who nurse long-term. God has given you the amazing gift of being able to physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally handle caring for an infant for months with your own body in a world drastically different from the one that existed in the time nursing was created. You are doing not only what's best for your baby - but all babies.. I have so much respect and love for you all.

2. Moms who choose formula from the get-go. You are confident in what's best for your family without fear of judgment from others. Kudos.

Here is comes: I am a stay-at-home, formula feeding mom. There- I said it-whew!! Let me introduce you to the circumstances surrounding this choice for all 3 of my littles:

Baby # 1, Cohen

I had every desire to nurse. Cohen did not. The hospital freaked out about jaundice due to his weak latch. They did not offer much help, but did put him on a bottle the entire first night. I struggled the first few weeks.. using formula for a couple feedings during that time. We got the hang of it for a couple weeks, then lost it again. I ask for an extra week off of work (I was at a daycare at the time) to focus with him, but to no avail. Fortunately, until 2 months, he was at least fed breastmilk during the day time with a bottle. We switched to exclusive formula feeding around that time.


Baby # 2, Ella

We were working at a boy's group home, and I knew it was going to be hard to nurse, but I wanted to try again. Ella was incredible! She never took a bottle for the first five weeks. I so enjoyed the time I got to spend nursing her. Sadly, though, when we moved back into the boys' home, her reflux and tummy problems kicked in. I didn't have the luxury of changing my diet and I wasn't about to struggle with her under a nursing cover while maintaining my duties as a houseparent to 8 troubled teenage boys. I pumped as long as I was able and she received at least some breastmilk daily until 2 1/2 months. Whatever she took, unfortunately, it didn't matter. She still screamed for 18 months. :/

Baby # 3, Elijah

Most of you already know this story. Despite the grief and trauma of his birth. I pumped at first and then breastfed in the NICU. We did great until about 4 weeks. He made it to about 2 months on mostly breastmilk, though bottle fed the second month. At this point, postpartum depression overwhelmed me and I had to leave him for extended periods a couple times to get mentally healthy.


So, here's what you need to know.

* After my initial miscarriage (pre-Cohen), I was not mentally well. God has chosen to begin his healing only now, 8 years later, despite my best efforts to get well all along. This is what He has chosen for my story. This mental illness made it extremely difficult to breastfeed.

* I learned as a child- perhaps I was unintentionally taught, like many of us thirty-somethings- that if I couldn't do something perfectly, I might as well just quit. With nursing, I pushed through way longer than what my flesh was comfortable with. My past was playing mind games with me the entire time. My husband begged me to stop with the first two babies.

* I only sought out breastfeeding help with consultants over the phone. My first experience was a consultant who was rude and condescending. I was ashamed and scared of judgment from that point forward. Luckily, my consultant, here in WV was super sweet, calming me and talking me through a heartbreaking nursing "vacation" while bathing and caring for her own children.

Here's why I am trying to make peace:

* My kids (6, 3, and 10 months) are happy, healthy and beautiful. Even though I couldn't give them the best start nutritionally as long as I would've liked, I have a 3 year old daughter who has superior vocabulary for her age and jumps up and down when I bring blueberries home, a 6 year old son who eats bell peppers like candy, reads at a 3rd grade level, and can multiply, and a 10 month old who giggles constantly and loves avocados. .... I think I'm doing ok.

* God is sovereign over all. If breastfeeding my littles long-term was part of his plan, He would've broken through and made it happen.

* Have you ever thought of how different breastfeeding is now than it was in biblical times? First of all, diet was different.. better in many ways. But even the pressures on Mom. I was just talking to a friend the other day about how when one woman was nursing in the book of Genesis, other women in the household (other wives, maidservants, aunts, mothers, etc.) were doing everything else... including taking care of the other children. For Christian women today, unless you're fortunate enough to be able to hire help, (which we are not), we are doing it mostly solo. We don't live in community like we used to. Many of us are not even physically and/or emotionally close to our mothers. Do you think formula, in a way, to be God's redemptive grace to those of us who are flying solo during the day?

Listen, as mothers, we all have areas where we are weak, weary, and even selfish.

Maybe one of my areas (even the selfish part) was nursing, but you have one or two areas as well.

Maybe you had the strength to push through, to seek help, to go for months nursing, despite the heartache and stress it may have caused at times. Maybe, it simply came really easy and totally naturally to you.

Maybe you decided to formula feed from the start because you really felt that it was what was best for your family.

Either way, you did it for a reason, and I am confident that any mother reading this loves her baby just as much as the next.

I feel like one of my strengths is speaking to children; explaining things in a way the understand. Sometimes, I listen to moms who don't have that gift and think, "Geez! Why can't they do what I do? It's soo easy! You may have to work at it for awhile, but eventually, it's second nature!"

But it's not to them.. and it may never be. Just like nursing was not to me. So, I need to do what I pray nursing moms can do for me - give them grace.

Whether it's this issue or another- I pray that we follow the old school rule and worry about ourselves.

REMEMBER THIS: You have no idea what is going on in someone else's life - their mind, heart, and body -NONE!

I pray that we can give grace and offer friendship to those who parent differently.

I'll be honest, I'm still searching for peace on the nursing issue. This blog is an attempt at that.. therapy almost. I think it's so hard because for one, I want to believe that I've done everything perfect for my child. This is sinful idolatry, not to mention impossible. Also, the enemy is telling me that I was somehow disobedient by not nursing my children longer, and that there will be consequences for that. (Yeah, he likes to mess with my theology. :))  Lastly, I feel judged. I want to take my children places. I want to be more of a part of mom support groups, but I feel like this is such a touchy topic, and that truthfully, many moms have and will judge me based on how I fed my own child their first year of life.

I have to constantly remind myself this - That if I am in Christ, I am loved, my babies were given to me on purpose, and that He will use even my weaknesses for my good and His glory.