The "What If" game

So, many of you know, most of you do not, that after my miscarriage in 2007, I was specifically diagnosed with something loosely termed as "Medical O.C.D".

 It's fairly new and is sort of like hypochondria, but it's been amped up due to the fact that medical information of all kinds is at the lay person's fingertips via the internet.

Exactly a month after I miscarried, I started to experience many physical symptoms of clinical depression... numb and tingling limbs, stiff joints, overall achiness, fatigue, etc. I would look up these symptoms and found a bunch of diseases that convinced me I was dying.

We finally found an amazing Christian counselor who walked me through the beginning of the healing process. It was no secret that I was already prone to anxiety and panic as these things had shown themselves in my life prior to this recent trigger. She did many amazing exercises with me, the greatest being prayer, and I still go back to her techniques frequently 5 years later.

There was one, however, that has stuck out in my mind these past few weeks in hearing about the Chick-Fil-A debate, the Colorado shootings, and listening to my husband and our senior pastor preach on how we deal with storms in our lives.

It was called... The "What If" game.

It would go something like this....

"OK, Crystal, what if that bruise on your leg came out of nowhere?"

"Then I might go to the doctor and find out I have cancer?"

"Ok.. what if you have cancer?"

"Then people will feel sorry for me and I might die."

"Ok... what if people feel sorry for you make you feel uncomfortable, and then you die?"

"Then I'll go to heaven and be with...oh."

"Let's change it up a bit. What if you live?"

"Then people will stop feeling sorry for me and rejoice that I am healed."

What a revelation.

Now.. let me say this. This was a time in my life where I was still very self focused and this game didn't mean a lot to me for any extended period of time.


 By the time I wrapped things up with this counselor, I was 9 months pregnant with my son and still battled for the next 2 1/2 years as strongly as I had from day one.  This is so sad because the reality is that I don't remember Cohen's first 2 years of life very well at all. The disease, the sin was rabid and Satan was winning. I was complacent, in denial, and selfish.


Then one day, as my husband's theology changed, God used him to lead me into the most brilliant, beautiful shalom (peace) I have ever experienced.


It's not about me. It's not about my plans. It's not about my life. It's not about my death. It's not about my money.

It's all about Him. To God be the glory.

All the pressure was gone. The book tells us... He wins. I don't need to conjure up that faith, He gives it to me as a gift.

So, let's play that "What if" game again, shall we??...

What if I get cancer?

He wins. To God be the glory.

What if my kids never accept Christ in my home?

He wins. To God be the glory.

What if we don't have money?

He wins. To God be the glory.

What if America becomes a communist country?

He wins. To God be the glory.

What if a man comes into a theater and shoots people?

He wins. To God be the glory.

What if I can no longer attend Church in the United States?

He still wins. To God be the glory.

Now, you know I'm not trying to trivialize any of this. Pain is pain and we would be in denial not to walk through it when it comes our way.

But... can I suggest that we spend a lot of time worrying and protesting and growing sick over things that haven't even happened yet?

The first two years of his life, I could've been enjoying my firstborn child, but I wasn't... I was worrying that his fontanelle was too big and that he was spitting up too much and that he was autistic..

Seriously, I was.

I am still selfish, I am still self-focused, I am still half-crazy, but I have stepped a couple inches further toward His grace.. and that has made all the difference.


Enjoy the life God gives you today. Yes, in a few years, homosexuals may be allowed to get married, and our freedom of speech as Christians may get stomped on, teen pregnancy may be on the rise, and the anti-Christ may reign supreme, BUT God will still be good. 

The even better part... we don't have to fight against culture or even our own bodies to earn His love.. we can just accept it and then be it. We can spend our time kissing our babies, putting our arms around the brokenhearted and downtrodden, having loving conversations with people who completely disagree with everything we say and go to bed at night filled. with. joy.

His freedom can be found in any country and in any circumstance. Beautiful, huh?