Well, it's Valentine's Day.. and even as a happily married woman of 8 years, it kinda makes my stomach turn for a couple of reasons. One is because I can remember being single in a Christian university where couples got married and engaged everyday it seemed like and the day just brought feelings of inadequacy and self pity.
Also, as any other cultural holiday, I always have those fears of "Did I buy the right gift? Did I say the right words? Is he going to do more than me and then think I love him less?"'
But, this morning, first thing, something happened....
My husband and I are apart on this day of romance because he's staying at the residential care facility with the boys for our last full day of employment while the kiddos and I stay with my parents. This morning, I heard my baby girl stirring and realized it was kind of late (she and I had a rough night :)). I walked into my son's room across the hall and he was awake in his bed "reading". I brought him back to my room and the 3 of us snuggled on the bed, laughing and giggling, soon joined by our stinky family dog, Zeke. This, in turn, turned up the volume on the giggle-o-meter. :) Pretty soon, one clear thought crossed my mind, "God loves me soo much!"
While it may sound a little indulgent, it's not something I've always thought; and while my feelings for Him can be so many times based on selfishness and circumstances, His love for me has never changed. He's proved through all the blessings He's placed in my life despite me. What I deserve is not what I've recieved, and that's a good thing because if I were Him, I would've disposed of me years ago.
The last two weeks have been pretty crazy when it comes to my faith and my God's mysterious ways.. My husband has stated it as living somewhere between the famine and the feast. I would wholeheartedly agree.
One sweet woman of God that we worked with was healed of a paralyzing tumor. The doctors opened her up to operate and it was literally GONE! Then, a teenager at the church in West Virginia (where we will be moving soon) was healed of a cancerous tumor on his optic nerve. Again, it was just gone. Finally, an 18 year old girl and member of our youth group in Ohio gave birth to her daughter. The baby lived healthily in her loving mother for 9 months, and then went home to be with Jesus. No explanation. She was just... gone.
All three of these people are sinful, messed up human beings in need of grace. All three of these people claimed Christ as their savior. What in the world!!??
I think it's clear that in all three of these situations, pain had to be endured in one form or another and at some point. So many times, with the best intentions,we say things like "God has a plan," and "There's a reason for everything". However, in the moment, that sometimes looks to be the farthest from the truth. Because it's MY pain and it hurts soo much, the natural, understandable thought is.. "HOW can THIS be God's plan?"
I think back to our struggle to concieve, my pregnancy loss, and the solid 2 year psychological hell that followed.. believing every single day that death was imminent and then sometimes praying that it would just come so that I would be free. So many times I thought, "Really... this is what You have for me?? This was Your 'plan'? To cripple me, to isolate me, to make me feel alone and hopeless??" I remember feeling bitter and angry and then feeling guilty for feeling that way and the cycle continued, on and on.
I didn't get a miracle healing. Heck, I'm still healing and it's been 4 years since the onset. About a month ago, though, for me, something came full circle.....
I was sitting at my in-laws and we were discussing pregnancy loss as it's touched so many people in our lives. My husband said to his mother, "We know our loss and struggle had a purpose, because without it, we probably would have never had Cohen." Whoa... I guess the thought had crossed my mind but I'd never really sat and chewed on it. I began to do so, and to take it a step further, I thought about how my relationship with both of my kids would have been totally different as well.
My first thought....
HE LOVES ME!!!
Sometimes His love is seen immediately and sometimes it takes us years to catch on. Sometimes, it has to take awhile in order to accomplish His purpose in our lives. Sometimes, healings happen to bring us to him. Sometimes, tragedies happen to bring us to him.. but it's ALL because ...
HE LOVES US!!
That's the only constant theme I can find.
So, if you're going through something today that seems unbearable, take comfort that you will heal. Like our 18-year-old sweetheart, it may take weeks, months, probably years... but it will happen. In the meantime.. seek Him and say whatever you need to say. Know that he hears it, because...
HE LOVES YOU!!
Happy V day and let me leave you with this story song that's been playing in my head and heart all morning....
How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
What to Say?
Well, this is my "introductory" writing, so I feel like I should talk about where I'm at in my life.
First of all, I turned 30 yesterday and I'm making a choice to embrace it.
While many amazing things have happened in my 20's ( married an incredible man, had two beautiful children, etc.), I also learned many hard lessons and dealt with a huge amount of stress and anxiety. Over the past 10 years, we've moved 4 times, I've had several different jobs (mostly in my field, thankfully), we've had financial struggles, I suffered a miscarriage, and spent around 3 years battling severe OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder due to this traumatic event. (This is something I still struggle with today if life gets too quiet or I am bored for too long.)
Right now, we are again in a period of great transition. We are leaving our job as houseparents in a residential care facility close to my hometown to SETTLE (yay!) 4 hours away in a small West Virginia town where my husband will step into youth ministry.
(Now.. at this point... I could and want to go a million different directions, but I'll try to stay on point as this blog entry is supposed to be an "introduction". :) )
The reason for my signature, StrivingforProverbs31? Well here's the passage:
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself[e] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
Here's the deal. I have a master's degree in Education. I love teaching and I can proudly and confidently say that everywhere I've worked over these last 10 years, I have felt respected and appreciated. However, for some reason, I have struggled with this being part of my journey right now.
Then, over the last 3 years, through the birth of my two beautiful babies and houseparenting, I have heard God's whisper very clearly... I've anointed you to be ... a mommy and a wife... and that's ENOUGH.
Now let me be perfectly clear. There are some mothers who feel 100% called into the "working world"and there are other mothers who have to work for financial reasons. For some moms, they feel that working outside the home makes them better mothers and I honestly get that. However, my issue is that somehow, somewhere a long the way, I got the impression that as a 21st century, college-educated woman, that's what I HAD to do... work, mother, volunteer.. be SUPERWOMAN.
I wouldn't trade my education for a second. For one thing, my children aren't going to be young forever, and at some point, I may want to work again. Secondly, I use my college education EVERY DAY and it flows out of me like a second nature. By the age of 26 months, my son could count and identify every number up to 20 and right now, 2 weeks short of age 3, he's beginning to read, both through sight and letter sounds.(As I tell one of my residents, he's a genius... but I may be a little biased. ;))
Right now, God has called me to my children. For whatever reason, aside from my husband, He has called me very clearly to make them my first ministry. I am so, so excited about this because through the tragedy and pain of miscarriage, I find great joy in my children, even in their most ornary moments. :)
I LOVED the relationships I developed with my boys in houseparenting. They are "our boys" and we hope that they will always be a part of our lives. I think the job brought a lot of healing for me mentally as I was able to take the focus off of myself and pour my life into theirs. It was definitely part of God's plan for our journey. BUT it was HARD. I didn't have time for friendships or to flourish in a church body that I felt connected to, I somehow forgot to make my faith and relationship with Jesus a priority, it definitely put a strain on our marriage at times, and we were just a little young still, in my opinion, to be bringing down the hammer on a bunch of teenage guys only 12 years our juniors. (We take such joy still in youth MINISTRY.. the discipline aspect is still so hard for us when it comes to teens.)
I am so looking forward in the next few weeks to being in a place where I can start a routine, make daily time for my Jesus, connect with women with whom I can identify, minister to the community and serve in the church, EXERCISE :), COOK ( scary, I know) :), SCRAPBOOK :)... and the list goes on. So, for me, staying at home isn't about backing out of our culture's "superwoman" image. It's about my journey toward being more like Proverbs 31... strong and educated, but gentle and loving all at the same time; and believe me when I say that I have a LONG way to go. :)
Finally.... Living in Grace?
I've always struggled with my salvation. But Paul talks about it, right? Walking with Jesus is a joy but a struggle all at the same time and the evil one loves to make us think that our salvation is dependent on what we do or don't do or feel or don't feel.
Over 4 years ago, I reacted to the miscarriage of a 6 week old pregnancy in a very dramatic way. I think it was because I never really knew brokenness or pain. I grew up in a straight laced family and we always went to church. Of course, I suffered heartache from boys in my teens and anxiety is definitely a genetic disorder that runs in our family, so that's always been a struggle... but REAL loss was never really present until I lost my angel. I claimed Jesus as my savior and was baptized young. After the miscarriage and what I can only term as "the mental breakdown", I became very selfish and self absorbed for awhile. In the last 2 years, coming out of the darkness, I have struggled with overwhelming guilt and the idea that maybe I was never really saved. But then there's this:
"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling..."
It's a process...
"Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— 3 if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. "
It is a life long journey!
I have tasted the goodness of the Lord and there are yet times that he has allowed me to struggle greatly. There are moments I have responded appropriately and there have been years where I have been bitter and distant. He has humbled me, renewed me, and allowed me on several occassions to give into my own whims and desires ... all because He loves me.
THAT'S LIVING IN GRACE. I ALWAYS live in grace, but it's not always because I choose to. It's because it's where HE has chosen to place me and I hope to live the rest of my life in a story of gratitude to Him for choosing the most broken, messed up, long-winded girl he could find to be His ambassador. :)
So, that's it. I love to write, and I'm super excited to share my thoughts with those who will read them. I hope this becomes a ministry tool and that God can use me to bring hope to others.
May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today!! :)
First of all, I turned 30 yesterday and I'm making a choice to embrace it.
While many amazing things have happened in my 20's ( married an incredible man, had two beautiful children, etc.), I also learned many hard lessons and dealt with a huge amount of stress and anxiety. Over the past 10 years, we've moved 4 times, I've had several different jobs (mostly in my field, thankfully), we've had financial struggles, I suffered a miscarriage, and spent around 3 years battling severe OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder due to this traumatic event. (This is something I still struggle with today if life gets too quiet or I am bored for too long.)
Right now, we are again in a period of great transition. We are leaving our job as houseparents in a residential care facility close to my hometown to SETTLE (yay!) 4 hours away in a small West Virginia town where my husband will step into youth ministry.
(Now.. at this point... I could and want to go a million different directions, but I'll try to stay on point as this blog entry is supposed to be an "introduction". :) )
The reason for my signature, StrivingforProverbs31? Well here's the passage:
The Woman Who Fears the LORD
10 [d] An excellent wife who can find?She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself[e] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
Here's the deal. I have a master's degree in Education. I love teaching and I can proudly and confidently say that everywhere I've worked over these last 10 years, I have felt respected and appreciated. However, for some reason, I have struggled with this being part of my journey right now.
Then, over the last 3 years, through the birth of my two beautiful babies and houseparenting, I have heard God's whisper very clearly... I've anointed you to be ... a mommy and a wife... and that's ENOUGH.
Now let me be perfectly clear. There are some mothers who feel 100% called into the "working world"and there are other mothers who have to work for financial reasons. For some moms, they feel that working outside the home makes them better mothers and I honestly get that. However, my issue is that somehow, somewhere a long the way, I got the impression that as a 21st century, college-educated woman, that's what I HAD to do... work, mother, volunteer.. be SUPERWOMAN.
I wouldn't trade my education for a second. For one thing, my children aren't going to be young forever, and at some point, I may want to work again. Secondly, I use my college education EVERY DAY and it flows out of me like a second nature. By the age of 26 months, my son could count and identify every number up to 20 and right now, 2 weeks short of age 3, he's beginning to read, both through sight and letter sounds.(As I tell one of my residents, he's a genius... but I may be a little biased. ;))
Right now, God has called me to my children. For whatever reason, aside from my husband, He has called me very clearly to make them my first ministry. I am so, so excited about this because through the tragedy and pain of miscarriage, I find great joy in my children, even in their most ornary moments. :)
I LOVED the relationships I developed with my boys in houseparenting. They are "our boys" and we hope that they will always be a part of our lives. I think the job brought a lot of healing for me mentally as I was able to take the focus off of myself and pour my life into theirs. It was definitely part of God's plan for our journey. BUT it was HARD. I didn't have time for friendships or to flourish in a church body that I felt connected to, I somehow forgot to make my faith and relationship with Jesus a priority, it definitely put a strain on our marriage at times, and we were just a little young still, in my opinion, to be bringing down the hammer on a bunch of teenage guys only 12 years our juniors. (We take such joy still in youth MINISTRY.. the discipline aspect is still so hard for us when it comes to teens.)
I am so looking forward in the next few weeks to being in a place where I can start a routine, make daily time for my Jesus, connect with women with whom I can identify, minister to the community and serve in the church, EXERCISE :), COOK ( scary, I know) :), SCRAPBOOK :)... and the list goes on. So, for me, staying at home isn't about backing out of our culture's "superwoman" image. It's about my journey toward being more like Proverbs 31... strong and educated, but gentle and loving all at the same time; and believe me when I say that I have a LONG way to go. :)
Finally.... Living in Grace?
I've always struggled with my salvation. But Paul talks about it, right? Walking with Jesus is a joy but a struggle all at the same time and the evil one loves to make us think that our salvation is dependent on what we do or don't do or feel or don't feel.
Over 4 years ago, I reacted to the miscarriage of a 6 week old pregnancy in a very dramatic way. I think it was because I never really knew brokenness or pain. I grew up in a straight laced family and we always went to church. Of course, I suffered heartache from boys in my teens and anxiety is definitely a genetic disorder that runs in our family, so that's always been a struggle... but REAL loss was never really present until I lost my angel. I claimed Jesus as my savior and was baptized young. After the miscarriage and what I can only term as "the mental breakdown", I became very selfish and self absorbed for awhile. In the last 2 years, coming out of the darkness, I have struggled with overwhelming guilt and the idea that maybe I was never really saved. But then there's this:
"Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling..."
It's a process...
"Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— 3 if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. "
It is a life long journey!
I have tasted the goodness of the Lord and there are yet times that he has allowed me to struggle greatly. There are moments I have responded appropriately and there have been years where I have been bitter and distant. He has humbled me, renewed me, and allowed me on several occassions to give into my own whims and desires ... all because He loves me.
THAT'S LIVING IN GRACE. I ALWAYS live in grace, but it's not always because I choose to. It's because it's where HE has chosen to place me and I hope to live the rest of my life in a story of gratitude to Him for choosing the most broken, messed up, long-winded girl he could find to be His ambassador. :)
So, that's it. I love to write, and I'm super excited to share my thoughts with those who will read them. I hope this becomes a ministry tool and that God can use me to bring hope to others.
May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today!! :)
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