She talked about how she and her husband stayed home for each of her children's first 40 days of life and how she basically lived on the couch with the newborn for that time period. She said that she allowed each of her children to nurse until they were "done" (her 3 1/2 year old is just now finishing). She also discussed how she was a huge proponent of co-sleeping.
After the piece was done, this strange conflict of emotions came over me. Overall, however, I was left feeling like a bad mother.
I started to really weigh through my thoughts and feelings and came to the same conclusion that I have come to several times when it comes to the topic of parenting/mothering....
We are WAY to hard on ourselves... and each other.
I'll share a snippet of my story to better explain what I mean....
With both of my children, I had every intention of being the most loving, caring, close mother possible, even though I probably didn't have the full scope in my head of what that meant, especially with my first.
I nursed both my babies from the start, though my second was much easier. However, by the middle of the second month, once my milk started to even out, both children seemed to really struggle with nursing no matter what I did.( I feel that it might have a little to do with the unattached tongue they inherited from their father since Ella had a rough time with the bottle as well and neither of them took to a pacifier). Also, I am a task-oriented, "scheduled" personality and if I'm to be honest, struggled with the unpredictability of their feedings, especially when I went back to work.
Because of the fact that I wanted them to get the best start possible, I pumped for weeks after I stopped nursing. I can still remember, however, with both babies, the tearful moment that I gave in and decided I had to give them the bottle for everyone's sanity. My husband, on both occasions, lovingly consoled me and reminded me that I was a wonderful mother whether I nursed or stuck a bottle of FDA approved formula in their mouth.
Even now, I am terribly jealous of mothers who seem to just ease into nursing and whose babies take to it so well. I find myself (unnecessarily) feeling like a horrible mother because I couldn't continue to nurse... and it doesn't stop there....
Once he was put on the bottle around 6 weeks, my 3 year old became a DREAM baby. We let him cry it out a couple times around that same age in the night, and he took to it well. It wasn't long before we would lay him down in his crib and he would drift off.
I joke and tell people I didn't know what it was like to have an infant until Ella came along...
Seven months after her entrance into the world, she is still a mess; a lovable, cute one... but a mess, none the less. It bothers me to lay her down and let her cry, but I'm scared to death that I'm spoiling her when I rock her all the time. I hear different critical voices in my head no matter what decision I make, and I just keep trying to do what I think is best for her.
I am one that requires a certain amount of sleep, and there are many nights, when she is crying for no apparent reason at 1 a.m., that I cannot find any kind, motherly, compassionate emotion in my being.... I just find myself crying along with her....
Then, the next morning, the guilt comes.. Why can't I be patient with her? Why can't I stop having anxious thoughts? Why can't i just appreciate her for who she is?
Then, that night, the cycle starts all over.
I love her so much and she's so precious, but she's a different animal from her brother, and she is as Dr. Sears has coined, a "high needs baby".
Ryan and I had to leave her at my parents' house the weekend we interviewed at Gateway, and I again felt guilty, not just for leaving her, but for feeling "free" from her. Wasn't I supposed to desire her every moment? Aren't I supposed to feel lost and disoriented without her? Isn't that how good mothers feel?
I may be wrong, but I don't think I'm alone in these feelings. I know that many mothers are more confident than I'll ever be and rarely care what others think or do, but I know that there are others of you who are with me.....
At the end of the day, however, I think of the term "attachment parenting" and how those who came up with the term defined it. Then, I simply think of those two words and why I believe our family fits the literal definition.
My children are loved. I stay at home with them now and they have been with me 24 hours a day (with few exceptions) since we started our houseparenting job when Cohen was 10 months old. I spend 85-90% of my day in communication with them. Whether we're in the car, at home, or in the grocery store, we are talking to each other and are in constant physical contact. When they fall and hurt themselves, they are always scooped up and loved on (although sometimes it is by daddy or nana or papa). I do encourage both of them to go to and love on others because I want them to be outgoing, bold, and to trust and love people, but I'm always there when they just need their mommy... .. same rings true with their daddy.
I am blessed to have a husband and to be able to stay at home. There are so many mothers who don't have the luxury of staying home with their sweet babies, and thousands more who don't even have a partner to support them. Even so, these mothers love their little ones more than words can say.
I know that in the "perfect" world, where I was rich, my husband and I had no pressing responsibilities, and we could hire other people to take care of our home, I could have dozens of children, nurse them, love on them, snuggle with them, 24/7.
The idea of attachment parenting, as touched on by Bialik, is that human beings learn to parent as all other mammals do. That's awesome in theory.... but human parents have homes, jobs, responsibilities other than their babies despite the fact that obviously, family comes first.
I completely agree with nursing, cuddling, even co-sleeping if one feels it's right for them, but you can only do what you can do. Period.
Mothers need to hear this. We HAVE to stop judging each other and being so hard on ourselves...
So many debates:
Breastfeeding v. bottle feeding, natural birth vs. hospital, immunizations: necessary or dangerous?, crib sleeping or co-sleeping, cuddle at every cry vs. CIO (cry-it-out), home school vs. private school vs. public school ...............
and you know what? NOT ONE OF THESE ARE A WRONG WAY TO DO IT!!!!!!!
Cohen came at a time in my life where I was slowly coming out of a depression. To my own sadness, he has seen me upset and stressed at different times. He has already moved a couple of times in his young life and spent around 10 nights with his grandparents without his mom and dad. Yet, he loves me and I love him. We laugh, snuggle, and enjoy each other's company on a daily basis.
Just remember, if you truly love your children, you're doing just fine.
Gotta go... baby's crying. ;)
